Surviving the Office Christmas Party

Office parties are just too uptight these days. Instead of having fun, everyone is terrified of screwing up. You dress nice, sit up straight, try to laugh at everyone's jokes. That isn't a party, it's a bad first date.  How is it Christmas if someone isn't passed out with their head in the garbage can?

The worst part of any office party is when the owner gets up and gives a speech. This year, you really have to know how to read between the lines. When he says:

• "It’s been a tough year, but there are better days ahead," that means "we're going under."
• "Each and every one of you is valuable to this organization" means "get ready to double your workload because I'm firing half of you."
• It's been a great year" means "I've finally embezzled enough to pay off the feds, see you in Switzerland."

A fine holiday party tradition is giving out employee awards. But they’re usually boring:

• Most Seniority - that just means that person can't get hired anywhere else.
• Neatest Desk - hey, it doesn't take a lot of paperwork to surf the Internet all day. If you see my desk neat, it means my stuff is packed up and ready for a quick exit.
• Best Dressed - that person is probably going on interviews during lunch.

We need awards people really want to see. Like an award for the person always eating other people's food. Hey, Lean Cuisine doesn't grow on trees, all right? Or how about an award for the person always forwarding stupid emails. Microsoft isn't going to give you a nickel for each email you forward, Einstein.

These are the awards I really want to see. That's why I wrote Funny Employee Awards. Download it today and help make the office a better place.