Office Party Etiquette - Holiday Office Party Do's and Don'ts

Can't get enough of your coworkers during office hours? Don't despair! Company holiday party season is upon us. Follow these tips to make sure you adhere to the highest standard of office party etiquette:

1. Do attend.
   Unless you've got a killer excuse (the old "kids have swine flu" always works), make sure you show up at the holiday party. The organizers of this bash (i.e. your bosses) can be a very touchy bunch. They may take your no-show personally and hold it against you. That's not how you want to start the New Year.
2. Leave the date at home.
   If you're already nervous about attending a holiday party, you may be tempted to take a date or spouse to have someone to talk to. Forget it. Going alone frees you from the burden of worrying about whether your date is having fun, and it opens up the opportunity of browsing through important computer files while everyone else is drunk. Read more...
3. Plan conversations ahead of time.
   Find out who will be there. Check the sports pages. If you're not good at making conversation, just ask a lot of questions. "So, how are the kids?" People would rather talk about themselves than hear about you, anyway.
4. Don't talk too much shop.
   The Christmas party isn't the time to drone on about how hard you've been working on that market research project for the big client you just landed. Nor should you complain about the disappearance of coffee creamer from the break room fridge It's a party. Loosen up.
5. Dress sensibly.
   This is not a night club, it's your office party. That means no peacocking. If it looks like you're about to hit a bachelorette party on the Jersey Shore, you need to change.
6. Have a bite before you go.
   Sorry you didn't get that year-end bonus you wanted, but don't try and make up for it by eating $2,000 worth of cocktail shrimp. Have a snack before you hit the party.
7. Don't over-indulge in drink.
   Nothing good will come if you drink too much. Nothing.
8. Don't be amorous.
   Men: the Christmas party is no time to morph into Pepé Le Pew. Ladies: likewise. Keep your hands to yourself and your hugs and kisses to a minimum. And please, no dirty dancing. It's going to be tough to land a new job if you have to explain that post-party harassment suit.
9. Be aware of cameras.
   Hello... Facebook calling. What happens at the office party stays on Facebook. Forever. Don't do anything you wouldn't want plastered on a roadside billboard.
10. Arrange a ride beforehand.
    Don't wait until you're tipsy to figure out how to get home. If you plan to have a drink, make your travel arrangements before you leave the house.
11. Don't forget to say thanks.
    No matter what you think of your boss or the party, say thank you. It's literally the least you can do.

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Surviving the Office Christmas Party

Office parties are just too uptight these days. Instead of having fun, everyone is terrified of screwing up. You dress nice, sit up straight, try to laugh at everyone's jokes. That isn't a party, it's a bad first date.  How is it Christmas if someone isn't passed out with their head in the garbage can?

The worst part of any office party is when the owner gets up and gives a speech. This year, you really have to know how to read between the lines. When he says:

• "It’s been a tough year, but there are better days ahead," that means "we're going under."
• "Each and every one of you is valuable to this organization" means "get ready to double your workload because I'm firing half of you."
• It's been a great year" means "I've finally embezzled enough to pay off the feds, see you in Switzerland."

A fine holiday party tradition is giving out employee awards. But they’re usually boring:

• Most Seniority - that just means that person can't get hired anywhere else.
• Neatest Desk - hey, it doesn't take a lot of paperwork to surf the Internet all day. If you see my desk neat, it means my stuff is packed up and ready for a quick exit.
• Best Dressed - that person is probably going on interviews during lunch.

We need awards people really want to see. Like an award for the person always eating other people's food. Hey, Lean Cuisine doesn't grow on trees, all right? Or how about an award for the person always forwarding stupid emails. Microsoft isn't going to give you a nickel for each email you forward, Einstein.

These are the awards I really want to see. That's why I wrote Funny Employee Awards. Download it today and help make the office a better place.

Office Party Date - How to Find the Perfect Date

Here's how to find the perfect date for your office party: don't.

Look, I'm just going to tell you what no one else will: there is no good date for the office party. In fact, there are only one of two possible outcomes: your date is either going to be incredibly bored and hate you for making them sit through the misery, or they're going to get drunk and humiliate you. There is no in between.

And trust me, you can kiss that promotion goodbye once your date starts doing the Macarena on the buffet table.

Instead, go alone and laugh at enjoy meeting everyone else's spouse. That's always fun. Let’s just say you don’t have to be a CSI detective to figure out where Carl the quiet computer programmer met his lovely Filipino bride.

Meeting your boss's spouse is the best. You always dying to know who in the World could live with this person. They say behind every good man is a good woman. So who's behind that jerk that manages you? The office party is your big chance to find out.

Going alone frees you from the burden of worrying about whether your date is having fun, and it opens up the opportunity of browsing through important computer files while everyone else is drunk.

So be single. Have fun. Leave the date at home.

Office Party Etiquette - Beware of Cameras

Office holiday parties are a great tradition. But it's harder to have fun at the office party in the age of the internet. It used to be everyone in the office would drink and look foolish, then it would be forgotten by the next day. Now, you come in on Monday and everyone is looking at pictures of you on Flickr singing Karaoke with mistletoe sticking out of the top of your pants. Avoid those holiday blunders with some simple office party etiquette.

Here are 10 Tips to Guide You Through the Office Party courtesy of Peter Post at the Boston Globe:

1. RSVP: When the invitation is issued, make sure to RSVP as soon as possible, but definitely by the "reply by" date.
2. Date: If the invitation includes a significant other, be sure to ask him first, and then let the organizer know if you're attending alone or with him.
3. Dress: Give your significant other the heads up about what to wear so they can plan accordingly.
4. Punctuality: Arrive on time. There's nothing worse than being late and looking like you either don't care or are disorganized.
5. Introductions: Be sure to introduce your significant other to your boss and to the people you work with, especially if he or she has never met any of them. It helps him or her to put a face to the names of the people that you talk about when you come home.
6. Inclusion: Don't abandon your significant other. Make an extra effort to include them in the conversation.
7. Conversation: Avoid talking about work. This event is a time to get to know your co-workers on a more personal level, discover their hobbies and interests.
8. Drink: Beware of drinking too much. Long before you're over the limit, alcohol can cause you to say or do things that you might regret or have to apologize for the next day. Avoid that possibility completely by not drinking at all or by adhering to a one-drink rule for the evening.
9. Food: Enjoy the food but eat in moderation, and most certainly don't ask if you can take a "doggie bag" home.
10. Thanks: Thank your boss and the organizer of the party twice: once at the end of the party when you find them and say goodbye, and the second time when you send a thank-you note to each of them.

I'm going to add "beware of cameras" to this list. Remember that anything you do can end up on the Internet. And before you know it, the picture has been Dugg, Tweeted, and Retweeted. Those images live forever.

Do you have tips of your own to add to this list?

How to Toast Your Boss at an Office Party

Ever have to toast your boss at a company party? In this clip from "Arrested Development" Tom's attempt to praise his boss backfire when his coworkers laugh at his toast:

How to Toast Your Boss:

• Start by saying thanks for the party and the work that went into planning the event.
• Repeat a popular phrase or anecdote that your boss frequently uses, being careful not to mock him or her. ("Like Sally always says, all we had to do to win the race is to keep turning left.")
• If your boss is disliked, share a story that makes him or her look good by praising your coworker's accomplishments ("This division exceeded it's goals this year, under the leadership of Bob.)
• Keep it brief. The less you say, the less chance you have to slip up.

What advice do you have for toasting your boss at corporate event?

Funny Office Party Stories - Worst Office Party Ever

I'm looking for funny or embarrassing office party stories for an upcoming radio interview. If they involve heavy drinking, too much PDA, inappropriate comments or unwelcome advances, all the better! Here are some classic examples:

• Employee who drank too much and made a fool of themselves.
• Employee's date or spouse drank too much and made a fool of the employee.
• Boss or manager made an inappropriate comment or joke during their speech.
• Boss or manager made an unwelcome advance on an employee.
• Two people wore the exact same outfit.
• Hired entertainment (band, comedian, etc.) made inappropriate comments on stage or embarrassed high-ranking company officials.
• Hired entertainment caused a ruckus before, during or after their performance.
• Coworkers got a little too amorous with each other.

I'd especially like to hear about inappropriate use of humor or awkward award presentations. Of course this site is dedicated to funny workplace awards that won't embarrass anyone or get you in trouble with human resources.

I'll use the stories when speaking with journalists, and you can choose to remain anonymous if you like.

Please tell us about your embarrassing or funny office party stories in the comments section below or email me through our contact page.